is anything ever really ours

how can someone feel

like such a foreigner

and so at home

in their body

at the same time

i can almost see her

feel her

someone

my truest self

my younger self

someone

every time i just about have a grip on her

she evaporates into the ibis

and i am left locked out here with just my human body

now i find myself

waiting for her again

plotting

planning

how i can lure her in

how i can keep her

it feels like i have already given up so much of who i was already

i have made all of these leaps

sacrifices

risks

all for something and someone i cannot explain or understand

i do not know what she will look like

or feel like

or what she will wear

or do

i get glimpses

of what i hope or think

but everything i like or think i know

seems to be proven wrong

like any opinion i hold

eventually diminishes

leaving me feeling like i cannot have a grip on anything

for when i claim something to be mine

the universe tells me

that nothing is truly ever ours

no idea or perception

is ours for long

before we know it

it is gone

and we believe in something new

is it depressing or freeing

maybe we can choose to let it be liberating

this idea what we do not have to hold anything too tightly

maybe i can make friends with her

maybe then she will trust me

and she will stay for a while longer

maybe if i brush her hair with love and gentleness

cook her meals with intention and care

tell her she looks beautiful when she feels bad

i can wake her up and tell her it’s going to be a lovely day

i can move her body kindly in a way that makes her feel good

take deep breaths for her nervous system

and stay off her phone before bed so she gets a good rest

jump in the ocean because i know that makes her feel alive

maybe while in the pursuit for community and someone to see me

i have forgotten

that her best friend of all

is right here