so very lost..

"it is said the life you want begins the moment you stop asking the future to save you and start meeting the present as if it already contains everything you need. the change begins when you realize the moment you’re in isn’t missing anything. you are where you need to be."

being lost has been quite the theme of my trip

metaphorically, because i have really just been winging my every move.but also literally and physically

one night in italy, while i was staying at the farm, i set out to go for a 30 minute walk before dinner

i left around 5:30pm and didn’t return until 9:30pm,

in the pitch black

brought home by an italian man who didn’t speak english

while being in nothing but my bright pink baby doll dress

before i set off on my adventure

i was given directions on how to get down to the lake through the forest and fields (10 minutes), which i did successfully. i was as happy as could be

i literally did a handstand

i ran through the fields, fully embodying my main character energy,

looking around at the tuscany fields, hardly believing this was my life

also knowing i would simply return to the farm, have a glass of wine, help make dinner, and end the night around the table with music and good conversation

i also was given directions to come back through a small village, creating a loop back to the house

after passing the lake, i got to what i thought was that said small village and started walking back

oh, important information to include here is that i also left my phone at home

i kept walking, still in a daze, surrounded by hills, fields, and distant lakes

did another handstand

but at some point i came back to reality and realized the sun was beginning to decsend and the road was still not turning in the direction of the house.

i had been walking for over an hour for sure. and was very aware at this point that i had at some point gone the wrong way

so i turned around, figured the safest way back would be to retrace my steps

even if it was a long way back

so i did made it back to the lake, relieved, because from there it was only about 10 minutes back

because if it got dark, i was really fucked

but somehow,

i still took the wrong path through the forest and fields

as if i hadn’t just come from there

then the sun was now set

so now i was alone, in the dark, with no phone, wandering through the tuscan fields

also realizing that i am also unsure of any address or phone number to contact those i was staying with

just forests, hills, and the occasional bed and breakfast.

eventually, i found a woman with her two children

she didn’t speak english

it was 8:30 now

i began to be worried about the people at the farm i was staying with, being worried about where i was with no way to contact me

the lady and i communicated through google translate

we tried finding the farm, but the italian google maps is a ghost town

a young girl she knew drove by and spoke a bit of english

she called her dad

who knew someone, who knew someone who knew the place i was staying at

we waited for her dad to arrive, hoped in his car,

10 minute drive later, we were pulling into the driveway of the farm

i felt a tear roll down my face

9:30pm now as i walk in with my tail between my legs knowing i put everyone through some type of stress being gone for 4 hours

but they hugged me, just relieved i was safe.

the host, who is also my friend at this point, had been out on his bike, then in his truck looking for me

not until that night did i understand why parents always have a glass of wine after a long day.

that was the best glass of wine i have ever had

it seems that even when i “trusted my gut,” i was led the “wrong way.”or what i thought was the wrong way

but maybe it wasn’t

if we are going to think "universally" "bigger picture"

which i tend to do when i need something to believe in

maybe it was all a part of learning how to move through the unknown

how to get myself out of complicated situations

how to work with what i have

because this didn’t just happen just this once of not properly following instructions on an evening stroll to the lake

i have taken countless wrong trains and buses

missed stops

ended up in places i never meant to go

many times my fault

sometimes not

one time, leaving the first farm to get to the second, i was given very strict instruction on which bus to take to get me up to the bed and breakfast i was staying at

i followed every instruction perfectly

i arrived to the bus stop 40 minutes early

when the bus pulled in at the expected time, i showed the bus driver where i was going and even showed him the message of instructions i was given

I translated it into Italian to be sure

confirmed twice

at the risk of seeming very paranoid and annoying

he told me i was on the right bus

when he signals me to get off

i got off, and low and behold i was still a 40 minute drive away

and a 4 hour walk.

in a town where there is of course little to no public transportation

no clear bus stops

nothing on maps

i contacted the host and she sent me one bus that was coming in 4 hours that was going the direction of their place, she did not have a car to come pick me up

but she did not know where the bus stops specifically

i had 4 hours to figure it out

i wandered the town, asking anyone i could

no one spoke english

nothing was open

i stayed quite calm, as i have found myself in many situations like this before at this point

one man saw me pass his shop multiple times and came outside to ask if i was okay.

we used google translate

after i explained my situation and ensured him i was fine,

i asked if there was anywhere open that i could eat

he locked up his shop, walked me through town, brought me into his friend’s closed bar, who made me a sandwich

which i sat and ate grinning

obviously being lost and confused

but somehow was able to be calm and content in the middle of it

something clicked here

the more this happened, the more i stopped resisting it

i stopped asking “why is this happening to me?” and just allowed it and dealt with what was in front of me

made the most of sitting in a closed bar, eating my sandwich

not waiting for the future to save me but believing at the present moments contains everything i need

the only constant through all of itis that i have always, eventually, found my way

whether i was panicking,

or laughing at the fact that i was in fact, again, lost

i always got where i needed to go

maybe not how i planned

but i did get there

not too long after

i left the second volunteer spot quite abruptly

did not know where i was going but needing to head towards the train station

walked 40 minutes downhill on a narrow, winding road to another tiny town where no one could even tell me where the bus stop was

when i finally figured it out, the bus wasn’t coming for another hour and a half.

so i kept walking

another 56 minutes downhill

and i did it happily

because i was free anyway

when i reached the sea, i carried my bags onto the sand and put my feet in the ocean.

with no direction plan where i was going

and completely at peace

i had become comfortable when being "lost"

it felt like where i was supposed to be in that moment

in all of these times, all i could really do was learn how make things easier for myself

move lighter, let go of what i didn’t need

we can stay lost, always wishing to be somewhere else, waiting to feel settled

or we can trust that where we are

already holds everything we need

maybe life itself is being lost

i don’t think most of us ever fully know where we’re going

and even when we think we do know where we hope to be going

it seems life shifts, returning us to the unknown again

and we learn how to navigate through it, again

maybe that’s the point

maybe not

but what i do know is this

i have always, eventually found my way

love,

ave