a swollen heart - from italy

april 13

i guess sometimes the motivation to start writing is a beautiful new journal bought from a little shop in óbidos, portugal

it has been a few days since i have written

i have so much to say, so much has happened

this sometimes discourages me because i want to properly relay the experiences

but what i write cannot be planned or plotted

so i will let it stream out of me

i am in italy

it is now friday and i arrived on monday

i have been living entirely where my feet are

so much so that everything else has dissolved

the world i used to be apart of is continuing somewhere i cannot see it

i am only here now,

in my own world

that is very slow and tremendously joyful

i have been spending all of my time and energy with this new version of me

that i seemed to have build during my month in portugal at my grandparents

and being tested here

i have never lived in such a quiet mind

the best way to describe it is through the eyes of a child

better yet, me as a child

when everything is new and exciting

you let the world take the wheel

all you do is show up as yourself and let life unfold

when you are a child, even a trip to get an ice cream cone is the centre of your universe

the most important thing on earth

because all that is real is what is in front of you

somehow life feels like i am living it through a completely different lens

like i am doing everything again for the first time

this now feels like that

only i am an adult

and being an adult comes with freedom

i used to take moments to make sure i was taking a deep enough breath,

but it seems as though my breaths have naturally deepened

when i inhale, it feels like the breath makes a trip all the way down to my stomach, infusing all of my cells with peace, without even trying to do so

i have been eating pasta and drinking wine. i am pmsing, bloated, breaking out a little, yet i feel as though i have never been better

how have things shifted so drastically?

my stomach does not feel flat, but my heart is so swollen. turns out maybe life is more full when being full

there have been so many meals where i have sat around tables and barely understood what people were saying

it has been italian, portuguese, french, and now flemish, yet not for a moment have i felt like i didn’t belong or that i am not exactly where i am supposed to be

i have learned so much from the people around me so much so that it has almost made me feel small

and not in a bad way

rather that i am so small in this very big world full of so many people it would only be a disservice to live in the walls of my own mind there are billions of people all over the world living completely different lives, and i am going to be stuck in my own ways?

built out of my own little world, created as a product of the sliver of experiences i have had thus far?

i have always had many moments in the past where it feels like the work is paying off, but this feels like new heights

everyday things have been entirely new to me.

new food, scenery, bedroom, company, daily tasks, workouts

any schedule i had, has dissolved

any routine i may have had back home or even my time in portugal

i have watched all of my

control dissolve at my fingertips

and shockingly enough, my life didnt fall apart

my mornings are different

i read with my kindle, with the morning light coming through the cracked open window that overlooks farms and fields of italy

with new company sitting beside me

either just one person or the table is full

all people that were strangers to me a week ago

but now i know each of their all time favourite songs

and in the mornings we pass around a pot of coffee, refilling our mugs and they eat sliced bread with goat cheese and jam

i have decided i love spending my mornings in company even if i am quiet because i am not quite awake

something about this has helped me not take myself or my day as seriously

i have been leant mouth tape

i have heard of this working well for some but never tried it myself. turns out i am a mouth breather, and my sleep has improved very much

i wake up on a foregn bed, each morning finding myself in this incredible oasis

bed and breakfast

italian farmhouse

on the top of a hill

overlooking lakes and green fields and other farms

i lay there and grin at the celling because i am not suffocating in dread. i have not woken up in a cycle of a routine that i have outgrown

i have seeded and planted a vegetable garden,

full of tomatoes, cucumbers, watermelons, pumpkins, peppers, cantalope and everything under the sun

helped a greenhouse where some of the pots will live

painted chairs that belong at the outdoor table where we now drink wine over dinner

or eat lunch together in between tasks

the owner of this delightful place i find myself in, is kind, respectful and funny

i have found our energies to be compatibly easy from the moment i was picked up from the train station

his mother and her friends are also here for the week

they are all from Belgium and don’t speak the greatest english (except the owner)

yet they have made me feel so welcome and included from the moment we pulled into the drive way

i feel so lucky

they include me in everything

they ask me if i want anything before they go to the shop, and regularly ask me if i am okay

i mentioned i eat a variation of a salad for lunch often, and there has been a salad with every lunch since the very first day

i find myself being so thankful to be so welcomed and served lunch and dinner

that i am never consumed with a single ounce of stress about what we will be having or if i "can eat it" or not

at home or alone, i can easily be wrapped up in thoughts of if foods are good or bad, what i "shouldn't" have

but i have scrapped everything i used to know

because it isn’t working in my current, ever changing environment

i must constantly be adapt to my surroundings

i must fully immerse myself in the beauty of life as it is presented to me

and that does often mean eating pasta regularly in italy and drinking a glass of wine in the evenings around a table with people i am fascinated by

and most evenings i am fighting to stay awake because i am not ready for day to end

i have more questions to ask, more games and songs to play

where a have spent very many evenings drugging myself with melatonin so that the day could end

by you realize you build a bottle of rules in your head

that you subconsciously live by

ideas about what you can or can’t do, who you are and who you aren’t, and how you think you need to get to the life you want

however, i have proven myself wrong time and time again

i have had to let go

surrender

and let the universe take the wheel

and only then have i found what i have been chasing

because never in my wildest dreams would i have been able to think out how to get myself here

i have had to let go

surrender

and let the universe take the wheel

and only then have i found what i have been chasing

i think all we are really responsible for is following what feels true

the next time you are making a decision, notice how it feels in your body

do you have lots of thoughts popping up in your mind?

maybe it’s a debate of if you should or shouldn’t

if it’s the “right” thing

if you are ready

drop into your chest,

your heart

how does it feel there?

is it pulling you forward?

does it make you stiffen or loosen?

if you quiet your mind for a moment and actually notice if it feels like something is pulling your from the chest forward

if it does, that is your soul

and the spiralling thoughts in your head are your ego

as much as possible, choose the option that feels like that pull towards light

and go that way

coming to europe with no real plans, just my intuition

has made it very clear that this is how i got to where i am supposed to be

because again, my mind would have never been able to predict all that has happened

i cannot live up in my head

in the ego, the made up false perceptions

and walls my mind has created for myself naturally by being a member of society

i cannot think out all of my decisions that only my soul knows how to answer

for example, when i was given the opportunity to teach a yoga class in foz, portugal, the beach town i grew up visiting in the summers,

might i say my favourite town of all

of course i began to wonder, can i really teach here? it has been a while since i have taught in a studio. what if i end up embarrassing myself

but someone very important to me reminded me that men will apply for a job when they are only 20% qualified, and women will only apply for jobs they are 80% qualified for. well, i would like to think i was at least 20% qualified so i taught the class

despite any doubts that my mind may have been stirring up

i knew how much this would mean to me

i would be proud of myself for having done it

it was exactly what i would have hoped it to be soft and fulfilling

and i felt a pull from my chest the entire 20 minute walk from my grandparents’ to the studio

knowing that if i let my fear/ego slip me out of it, i would regret it

letting my heart lead, this last month and a half has put me in the most loving, fulfilling, heart opening, character developing situations that i could have ever asked for

i have learned so much about fleeting love, my own energy, the energies of the people around me, nature, making friends with people that live worlds away,

all of the opportunities that are at your fingertips if you are open enough not to let them pass you by

i have come to realize when you live in lack, you stay in lack

when you live in abundance, you receive more abundance

i literally have no idea what my life will look like next week, in a month, or at the end of the year

which feels like a universe away, living at this pace

how could i possibly begin to imagine where i will be by then

when right now, every day, as cheesy as it may sound, feels like a new beginning?

know that there are millions of worlds out there waiting for you

i have never in my life been so excited to wake up in the morning

written from italy with all of my

love avery