am i "ready" to write? - what are we all waiting for?

sometimes i forget that i can write about things as i am still learning them

as i am still learning myself

for a while now, i have felt as though i am living in the in between

not where i was, but not quite where i am going

and although i have made enormous strides,

from where i was a few months ago to where i am now

i still find myself thinking i am not quite there

some fully formed mythical version of myself

not quite ready to share all that i have learned

because surely i must be further along first

but how long can i go on defining myself as being in the in between

because it is there, in the in between that i find myself unable to write

believing more i need to become more first

but what even is this fully formed version of myself?

and does anyone ever become fully formed, really?

i think we spend so much of our lives waiting

waiting to be ready

but waiting for what?

to finally arrive at some imaginary point where it is time to begin?

how can we ever be ready when we don't even know what we are preparing for?

we can be as "ready" as we want, and life will still inevitably throw curveballs that ask us to pivot and adapt

and sometimes when we arrive at the thing we thought we wanted,

it is not quite what we imagined

other times, it is far better

we have much less control over what happens than we like to believe

we want to control our outcomes, we want certainty. we convince ourselves that if we follow the specific path we have mapped out in our minds, we will arrive exactly where we think we want to be

but things rarely unfold the way we imagine they will

most times, for the better

i think it is important to remember that we are always convinced the grass is greener somewhere else

we postpone the things we want to do

we postpone our happiness

and giving ourselves permission to begin

all while gripping, pushing, forcing our way through life

only for things to unfold differently anyway

it is comforting to believe we are in control of our lives

but perhaps it is even more comforting to know that we are not in control of nearly as much as we think

that we can release the grip a little

trust the unfolding

choose to flow, knowing it is all part of the dance

even the steps backward

so i think it is quite detrimental for me to keep waiting until i feel "ready."

ready for some future version of myself

ready for some imaginary milestone where suddenly what i have to say holds value

because the truth is, we will forever be evolving

there is no final version

no finish line where we become complete

even as we heal one part of ourselves, another chapter begins

and that is life

i think the more we define ourselves through our job title, our body, our physical life, the more we feel inadequate and disconnect

so perhaps learning to begin in the midst of it all is what readiness actually looks like

not when the work is finished and when the lessons are learned

but while we are still becoming

while there is still work to do

while we are still unfolding

for now, i will just be avery

love,

ave