creation was just creation

Oct 8

3 min read

thursday, 6:00am

i have been awake since 2:30am.

another sleepless night. who would have guessed

i have decided that during these hours of the night when i cannot sleep, i am going to start brain dumping my thoughts rather than driving myself mad over the fact that i am still dealing with insomnia.

but anyway

while i lie here awake, i am thinking about how, when you're young, you spend so much time dreaming about the life you'll have when you grow up

it's funny how time passes, and suddenly you are the age you spent so long wishing to be

only to then find yourself trying so hard to be the girl you once were

i used to write so many stories and draw a lot

i would write about what my life would look like when i was older. the adventures i would go on. the boys i would love

i would sketch myself in cool clothes with pretty hair. i always drew my eyelashes really long

i remember thinking that i might be uncool now, but one day, i would be really cool

i also remember how i would get something in my head and it would consume me entirely

(i guess some things never change)

there was always some sort of craft or project that had my undivided attention

sometimes it was friendship bracelets made out of string. this one lasted a long time. i did it so much that eventually i got good enough to weave little elephants into them

then it was bead

ed bracelets. then gimp

or it was turning my entire basement into a daycare where my friends and i would take care of my approximately 100 stuffed animals

and then there was drawing and painting

i would ask for art kits for christmas and birthdays and spend entire days seeing what i could create

now, i was not a particularly profound artist

but i think the whole point is that it didn't matter

i never questioned whether i was good enough to do it or what i would do with it or who would see it

creation was creation

i would become so completely infatuated with these little things that i loved

and what a lovely thing that is

to allow yourself to love whatever you love at that given time, and to become completely immersed in it

without the weight of the world deciding if it is worthy

without wondering whether it will lead somewhere, whether you're any good at it, or whether you should be doing something more productive instead

sometimes we use up all of our energy simply doing the things that must be done. by the time we've finished, there is hardly anything left to pour into something simply because we love it

what a terrible shame

what a shame it is to have such a difficult time creating without that gnawing background noise listing all the things you should be doing

what a tragedy it is that i have been so brainwashed into most times having a faint sesne of guilt when i am doing something purely out of love

if it isn't in some way productive

as if joy isn't a reason enough

i suppose when you're little, you're too young to understand just how rich you are

how precious it is to have that innocence

to make things simply because you want to make them

to love something without needing to justify why