my days belong to me now

averynemisz16

Oct 19

3 min read

monday morning, october 19th

it's 8:38am, i just got back from my morning walk

i have the whole day free today, since i do not start work until 4pm

which still feels strange to me

it feels as if it is still so instilled in me that not starting work at 9am is wrong

maybe this is how creating your own path is meant to feel, at least in the beginning

i guess it's not supposed to be easy

but i don't believe the world needs another person numbing their life away at their 9-5

caution as i say this, because not everyone finds it so entirely soul sucking

and to them it would feel purposeful where they can exercise their strengths,

where they have something to offer in that setting

my brain trying to navigate a bank environment is equivalent to asking a turtle to climb a mountain

it probably would eventually do it

but would spend its entire life exhausted, hopeless, and with deep feelings of inadequacy

perhaps the struggle would eventually kill it

or a predator

because it is not built for that ecosystem

this makes me deeply sad to think of all the people who live their lives believing they are inadequate, meanwhile they are just in the wrong environment

one must find where their capabilities and gifts flourish

or risk spending their life just coasting by

that is what i was doing at the bank

i coasted, i got by

until i physically couldn't

but at the end of the day, i don't have any advice to offer people about their banking.

i was doing much more debriefing with customers about their weekends and complicated family lives rather than trying to sell them a credit card

some customers i would see almost every day and knew all that was going on in their lives, but truly not much about their bank accounts

and then there was a line in the lobby and i was supposed to be efficient

and to be honest, that was not fair

although my customers and i enjoyed the bonding time, and it was this that made it doable for me, it wasn't fair for customers to not have someone giving them true, valuable advice

i don't want to analyze what type of chequing account is suitable for someone, i don't want to make small talk all day long

count money, send wires, pay close attention to numbers and all sorts of things my brain finds very numbing

some days i thought it was going to swallow me whole

it felt like every day i had to shut off my spirit, walk in, suppress myself, and perform for 8 hours

let it suck me dry of all of my energy, prana, and then go home with nothing to give

this being my specific experience

but some people seemed to be so natural at it

that was, in fact, the environment in which they thrived

i actually really wanted that life

i tried it

tried quite hard actually

couldn't