from lisbon, with love

i am sitting down to write about my adventures to lisbon this weekend

it’s monday late morning now and my body is sore from walking the endless hills that make up the streets of lisbon

ive spent all morning laying around and reading

dismissing any guilt that arose from this

all of thus said walking, is far more than i have been used

saturday was like 24,000 + steps

which may have been something quite simple in the past, but is new since feeling better

lets just say i haven't tested these abilities yet

i went to bed with my legs actually pulsating, throbbing

but regardless my mind remained in good spirits, which i believe, was something to congratulate

when things were still not feeling so great, if i had walked too much or pushed too hard, it would ripple into a terrible mood. stress as to why this is happening, anger with myself and my body, which would lead to more stress, and overall unfavourable headspace

however, this time i laid in bed happy about how much i have been able to walk, despite the aching

and expectedly, i couldn’t fall asleep

instead of then spiralling further and panicking about not being asleep, i accepted my fate

i read and thought about my good day until i dozed off

i woke up at 6, which is far from enough sleep, but i could not fall back asleep in the morning,

probably due to a wired nervous system,

although everything else still seems to be getting better,

it still seems to be a sensitive system of mine

that needs a little extra nursing sometimes

took a few deep breaths, understood that my body will just be tired today

i hobbled along very slowly to breakfast as my feet were whimpering

i have felt another shift in myself recently which i was aware was coming, mercury retrograde ending and the spring equinox

if you’re into any of that

anyways

saturday night, my friend and her boyfriend, who also became my friend, wandered the streets of lisbon

we sat for dinner and shared stories. likes and dislikes, people in our pasts, in our presents. i could have sat there all night and listened. i wanted to hear everything that has gotten them to where they are now

when it would be my turn to share, i noticed some things i would consider character flaws about myself. but i also noticed i didn’t hold them so personally anymore, so harshly. rather, there was a deeper self knowing

i also noticed how all things, no matter how painful they were, are all stories one day told around a table with new friends

everything is a part of the becoming

we were searching for a bar with some live fado, a traditional portuguese music genre

we eventually did stumble across one. now, while this is not music i am particularly playing on my own time, i was completely consumed by the experience, everything that made up what it was

i wandered my attention to all of the tables around us in this small, dimly lit restaurant and wondered who was just a visitor passing through lisbon, who was a regular

is this their first time? did they also stumble upon this bar or have they come specifically for the music?

i wish i could ask them all

we ended up at fado restaurants both saturday and sunday night. both times i was watching the singers with every ounce of my attention. they sing so passionately, i kept thinking

i wondered how much weight they place on their performances

is this just something they have found themselves to be quite good at, so they continued with it, or are they really as passionate about it as they seem?

is this a regular saturday night? are they riddled with anxiety for a couple of hours before, like i sometimes am before i teach yoga?

or do they walk in here confidently, knowing they are gracing us all with their performance?

did they grow up listening to fado? or have they discovered it later in life?

do they lay their outfit out the night before? or do they just wear what they had on for the day?

is this just the beginning of their night out, or the end?

is there always this much to ponder about?

there is so much to be consumed in the very moment you are in. and maybe, if the moment is right, it makes you feel like there isn’t much to be too concerned with in the first place

this weekend i caught myself sometimes looking at life as a search for photo opportunities rather than through my own eyes,

or wanting to absorb all of its essence and beauty for my own vault of places and people and memories

there was a time, as i am sure a lot can relate, where it was more important to have the way the world perceived my life rather than how it felt. i have long outgrown this, however it seems some habits still linger

for example, when you are scrolling and you come across a beautiful scenic photo of someone on vacation, or them capturing the intimate wonders of the world, you may admire it momentarily, then continue scrolling onto the next thing to catch your attention, and so on.

however, when you are the one living those moments,

assuming you aren’t too busy capturing it,

that moment is yours

that lives in your body, that sight, that feeling

why would you rob yourself by being more concerned with giving all of your moments away?

or at least thinking about giving them away before you even make them your own

i have become much better at pretending my phone doesn’t exist

it makes me feel lighter, and i find it to be quite rude to be more interested in anything online than the people or moment i am in

that’s one way to just let life fly by without keep being involved in it

safe to say, when my phone died and i was below 10%, and i had to preserve it those last percentages for directions or uber later,

i felt relieved

sometimes there are things important keeping your attention on your phone while life is happening around you

i guessit just comes down to how important and how much attention it deserves

my one good friend knew how to navigate us right back to the car, through the windy, twisty roads of lisbon solely off of her memory. i explained how i could never do that. i am so directionally challenged. i am always so up in the clouds to ever be able to trace back the steps i have taken

she said, “but that is nice, to be so invested in the moment that you aren’t concerned with direction.”

i said maybe, but i am so impressed with how observant you are, all while i paid no attention

maybe this is something we will learn from each other

the way you gather pieces of all of the places you go and the people you meet

isn’t that life?

going through life, absorbing information, taking what you love, leaving what you don’t, letting it shape you

i shopped around saturday, impulsively as i do. i didn’t go crazy, however spent more than i should be spending

and felt very guilty while doing so

that was my body telling me to stop,

although i didn’t fully listen. the message was received

i do not want to fix my constant need for instant gratification by purchasing a bunch of things that will give me a temporary fix and will inevitably fall apart

i must break this addiction of always needing more, and instead learn to have less but good quality items in my possession

i want the items i own to feel good, to be something to cherish and take care of

and of course this will mean not having everything that i want in the moment of wanting something

to know that i can see something at the store, that i may absolutely love, i may even know exactly how i would style it in many ways, and still decide to let it go

this is hard. i have told myself this many times. that having an unnecessary abundance of things makes me feel claustrophobic, causes havoc and messiness in my brain

simple + less = feel good

in my actual body

it leave spaces and room in the mind

less noise, more simplicity

when we drove home late sunday night,

all of the girls were from france so naturally they played french music

i absolutely did not understand

however, i was so completely captivated and entertained. regardless of my usual persistence to control the music and play all of the songs that I love

they sang their hearts out to songs they loved growing up, all of those teenage girl songs, as they explained it. they explained the memory that was tied to each one

i found this to be so fulfilling for an hour and a half, like i was content through their energy

i too can embody the feeling of flying to another country, seeing your friend you missed dearly, reminiscing life through an old playlist

we would jump in saying, “oh i know this one.” they passed the phone around, saying, “this one is my song.”

this is a familiar feeling of mine,

i know all too well singing my heart out in the car windows down with your friends

There’s nothing like these moments

i might even say some of my favourites

It was like this moment wasn’t mine, but I was just happy to experience it through their experiencing

I guess life is just all about experiencing

and how you feel as you experience it

And what you do with those experiences

;)

all my love

ave