the grass actually is greener

i look at myself in the same mirror i did here in portugal a year ago

and it feels like i am in a completely different body than i was then

this makes my skin itch

my natural instinct is to think: how do i fix this? what do i do?

i guess this voice still lives somewhere within me

i write this blog with you knowing that this topic may be just as sensitive to you as it is to me

but nothing.

i do nothing.

i let the urge come and then i let it go.

i stand here, i let it be uncomfortable, and i move on with my day

i do not return to old habits. i do not let myself slip

i remember how much has changed

i remember there is never a world in which i would want to go back to the way i felt last year

i remember how much healthier i am and how much more colour my life has

last year sometimes going for a 15 minute walk would make my legs ache so bad i had to lay down and this would make me cry

there was a while there i got so weak i physically could not do a workout if i tried

last year, i could not eat anything but whole foods and not much of it

of course this was because of stomach issues i was going through but naturally this caused a relapse in my old friend that is an eating disorder

and i give myself grace as everything i was eating made me feel awful. so i would rather just eat as little as possible for some feeling of relief

although unfortunately this was an all too familiar feeling of restriction

and although this time the motivation was not solely the desire of looking sickly thin, it inevitably had the same result

sometimes it feels like a wave

one day you are just playing in the ocean

and the next the tide is so strong you lose your footing and get swept away

i saw a video that said

"you know when you see a really skinny animal and you see its bones and you immediately feel bad for it. you're like oh my god he's probably so hungry. this pour thing is sick. why is that the beauty standard for woman?"

this is true

it is corrupt that we are made to believe we should feel the most beautiful when we are hurting

when you have an eating disorder it is like you are turning off all of your body’s cues

disconnecting from your body

you begin to live from the head up

you are not listening to when you are hungry and full

you are sometimes or all of the time working out way past exhaustion

you start doing what you think you need to do in order to achieve the desired result, which not to mention is never truly achievable in the first place because when you are in this state, it is never enough

in this, you forget how to listen to your body, to care for it

your own body, the house that you live in

you barely notice how grey everything has gotten, until one day you look around and wonder when all of the life got sucked out of your life

when i think about things going back to the way they were it literally feels like the walls are closing in on me

and torture it and for what?

for the hopes of external validation?

now listen, i can talk about this because this has eaten up a lot of my life

and i know how all consuming it is

i will not go into details of the lengths i have gone because i do not think that is helpful, but i can now talk about how desperately hopeless i felt in my body

i would decide this needs to change, put some weight on, and then spend all of my time yearning for the body i had when i was miserable

all of this along with stress and stuck energy caused a lot of really serious health issues in my body

the only time things really changed was when i genuinely decided my health was literally the only thing that matters

i have fallen into this hole and dragged myself out time and time again

this last time was the last time

this year i have been walking 60+ minutes a day and feel healthy

i have been doing my little workouts

i get myself a ham and cheese croissant on the bus by myself on my way to go explore a

new city.

i don't wonder how many calories are in it

i don't wonder how much i need to walk to compensate

i don't ruin the moment in complete and utter panic of how this is going to ruin my life

rather i listen to my music

i look out the window

i smile at myself like a dork

and i take each bite marinating in how much more pleasurable life has become

and how thrilledddddd i am that they have absolutely drenched this croissant in butter

i begin to remember how much has changed

and then when i look at myself in the mirror, i thank god my body looks like an entirely different person

and sometimes i wonder why i am still battling with this

why haven't i become at peace with this yet?

hasn't it been long enough

and i sometimes fear it will be a lifelong battle, as we cannot escape temptations that are all around us

but if that is the case then i will just have to keep resisting the urge time and time again

and choosing a full life over external appearance

which of course, has nothing on the soul

i will never again choose desperately grasping onto a body shape that was never meant for me over feeling at home in my own body

i literally refuse to miss out on any more of life.

i want to live a big life, and the two dont go hand in hand

so yes i move my body daily because that feels good

i eat healthy foods, and enough of it

if i am active, eating a healthy diet along with the flexibility of living a full and fun life

then whatever body i land in, is the one i am meant to be in

i cannot and will not live in rigidity anymore

as i watch my life pass me by

and i just wait from the sidelines that one day i will love myself enough to actually live it

and with that, it finally feels like i have returned home

i beg of you to never weigh more importance on the size of your body rather than experiencing all of the world has to offer you

and anyone who would rather you compromise all that is your soul for you to fit in a certain size of jeans was never your person to begin with

“develop an interest in life as you see it. in people, things, music — the world is so rich, simply throbbing with treasures, beautiful souls and interesting people. forget yourself.”

suffering is wishing things were different instead of accepting them as they are.

don't spend your life wishing your body is different than it is

i cannot keep numbing myself when there is so much to feel

so many cities to visit and explore

so many oceans to dive in, afternoons bathing in the sun

friends to make, foods to try

and the world is too dark to immerse yourself in all of it when you are starving

when you have energy again, the world feels much different

exciting, not as scary

come back home to yourself

i absolutely beg you to free yourself and let yourself live

a full life will always trump your silhouette

and if you are not there yet, you will be.

and it will feel like hozier’s yell ;)

the grass is greener

“you do not have a soul. you are a soul. you have a human body.”

love always

ave