coming back to the world

it’s 7:30am as i am writing this. i woke up around 4:30 and couldn’t fall back asleep. since then i have eaten breakfast, watched my show, read my book, had coffee, and laid down with my eyes closed to at least get a bit more rest. then i had the urge to write

one day when i was, again, laying in the grass i was wondering, frustratingly, how i can feel this content and at peace yet still be so self critical sometimes

what do i have to do?

because it isn’t a specific body type. i have had a few of them, yet the lingering self hyper analyzation lingered

it’s not whitening my teeth or the right makeup routine because the feeling has never went away regardless of these things

and then as i lay there, this thought appeared. completely out of the blue

it was for the first time in mmm near maybe 12 years, to let my hair dry curly

i don’t know where it came from or how that would help this situation as it is something i have always been wildly insecure about, but i got up from the grass, walked inside, and started the shower

my hair was washed not long ago. blown out nice. but i followed the intuition.

i had to! as women we have powers like these and they must be honoured, of course

i must say i think only in this much peace have these sorts of things been free to come into my awareness. where in my every day life, i would just be going with the motions as usual

letting my hair go curly has been something i have pondered from time to time

especially this past winter, i have been so frustrated with doing my own hair as it rarely turns out how i want it and when it does it’s fleeting

i only get to keep it nice for 1 maybe 2 days, plus it takes an hour to blow dry.

it gets so staticy in the winter and it drives me nuts

i have always deeply admired people with curly hair. i think it looks so beautiful and unique. but never something in my reach. i am always very happy for them but nothing attainable for myself of course!

it always felt like something i would do in the distant future. one day i’ll let it be. one day i’ll let myself be who i am i guess you could say

and i began to wonder why have i been so resistant to this?

is it because they remind me of a time i have tried to forget about? when i was teased for curly hair, or being called “pleasantly plump.”

now, this is not some woe is me bullying story, as i was never bullied.

just playful teasing that stuck, you could say ;)

some things just latch onto your brain like a leech and they stay with you until you are tired of being sucked dry, heal the wound, and let it go

somewhere between the grades of 6 and 7 i began to straighten my hair every day. slowly killing away at the ends and what it feels like to be everything that made up who i was before then

i thought i had to!

so as i was burning my hair off with flat irons, then came eyeliner and push-up bras.

you know then, as all of the art supplies were being traded in for makeup, i also quit dance classes

then came the jean shorts that rode so far up my butt, coming from the little girl who would only wear pink comfy pants to school most times with no underwear because they disturbed my comfort

my only priority then was to be as comfortable as possible

maybe being here, alone, has let me finally feel comfortable to let it go.

to let go.

it dried curly. curlier than i remember it being

somehow my face feels so different but at the same time so familiar

sort of like an old friend that you lose contact with

you know her but not much about her now

like you have to get to know her again

does she still like to draw?

does she still sit and daydream endlessly on how beautiful life will be when she’s older? wonder if she will be cool?

does she still play in the ocean for hours?

is she still as affectionate as she was?

whenever i see photos of myself from when i was younger i am curled up on one of my family members. curled into my mom’s neck, wrapped around one of my aunts, squeezing my sister, cuddling my cousins, on my grandma’s lap

why do those photos cause me to ache? it feels painful. maybe because it is something i have been longing for and i didn’t even know it.

when did this change? when did i create a wall between myself and the world?

i guess when we are children we are naturally open. we let people in and then as time goes on we learn to build walls to protect ourselves. we hold ourselves more rigidly

like it’s all one big wound that might just be needing to accept love.

for many years i avoided water because i didn’t want my hair to dry curly, especially around boys

how?

how did i go so long with the ocean sitting right before my eyes and toes and choose to withhold?

i stopped drawing, writing, dancing.

it became very clear how much the world can strip you of if you let it.

i wonder how my younger self would feel if she knew it was almost so long without ice cream i almost forgot the taste

i read a letter my mom wrote to my grandma when she was pregnant with me. she wrote i moved around a lot, especially when she ate sweets. this didn’t surprise me.

i have always had the biggest sweet tooth.

i used to call my aunt leanne into my room to show her my stash of candies i kept in safe keeping.

i used to cut the icing off of dunkaroos because the actual cookies were too bland.

of course we learn healthy habits to live by as we get older but to deprive ourselves of the things we love?

very foolish if you ask me

only as of recently, have i had this urge to draw and write stories. i was always a very creative child and remembered this about myself but couldn’t quite grasp her

but in some way it feels like i have unlocked her

energetically it has got to suppress something inside of you if for that many years you flatten something that is meant to blossom

to be wild and free

so anyways

all i can do now is take that 12-year-old girl, bring her into today, daydream, draw, explore the neighbourhood, wear headbands and big clips, eat intuitively, and be open and excited for all that life can unfold

make her feel beautiful before life made her feel otherwise

now, i am not saying that this will be my everyday hairstyle

but i will never again let myself forget who i was when i had curly hair

and as you grow up and are ever changing, blossoming into new versions of yourself,don’t forget who you were before the world told you who you should be

<3

all of my love

ave