from under the olive tree

i write this to you as i lay under the olive tree on the front lawn

writing in my journal first then to be typed out later

thats if i can organize my thoughts of course

it has not even been a week yet and already i can’t understand how i lived in such a way before

i wake up in the morning and step outside onto my grandparents back porch and i can see all of the small town in the distance

there is usually a layer of fog. everything is quiet.

just a few roosters and birds singing their morning song

and i are awake

it feels like the whole world is still asleep

whenever i go sit out there in the mornings with my warm water or to write

it feels like time has stopped for me

even though the sun has risen and the day has begun

yet i have never yet felt rushed in those moments

no thoughts of what is coming in the day

its like i could sit out there & ponder for hours & the day will still wait to start until i am ready

and then later in the day i lay in the front yard on the grass

under avos olive tree

i just feel the sun on my face & the slightest of breezes on my legs

i just lay there for i don’t even know how long

i would feel every muscle in my body let go

true bliss, like i have never felt it before

i lay there star fished out, with my book beside me but i don’t read it.

i just bathe in the nothingness

there are moments it feels like every cell in my body is turning over and i am becoming new. entirely

and when i finally stand up it feels like i am floating through life

and then i think

it can’t be right

life at home

there’s no way our bodies were designed to function at such a fast pace

we are so used to that way of life it becomes hard to imagine life in any other form.

and such a shock to the system when we do find quiet

i know it is unrealistic for the majority of people to spend hours of thier days laid under an olive tree and i hope to find out how to merge this state of being, even for a little while into real life

however

in this moment of my life, i have been given the privilege of time

something i know many of us don’t have

as life comes with responsibilities.

here i am, 24, and for all i have is time. life is wide open. no responsibilities but to discover who i want to be in this lifetime

now in this time that i am in, it’s as if i am creating a new way of living.

nothing drastic, but what fills my day to day

it seems such huge things have changed in such a short time

at least things that take up too much space in my mind

when you spend this much time with yourself it’s inevitable you will learn very much

when i first got here, it would hit around 2pm it was quite daunting

i still had the whole night by myself

read by myself, make and eat dinner by myself, go on a walk after dinner by myself, wash my

face, brush my teeth by myself, go to bed

then of course wake up and do it again… by myself.

at first this felt like far too much time. now i cant imagine all of this time being cut short.

although i am quite independent, at home you know there’s usually at least someone else’s presence in the house

or i would have gone to work to socialize

of course i could go out for dinner here, but not every night

anyways, i am growing quite fond of myself.

this is what has shifted thus far

food and meals

i do not want to overeat or undereat

i have to sit with myself all day

barely any distractions or outside sources to drown the noise

i genuinely want to feel good in my body and function well because

i am all i have..

and my thoughts.

i have to be with myself for the day

so having underlying feelings of instability, from under eating or discomfort, or annoyance from overeating

stress about what i am supposed to be doing

is just not in the cards

my only focus has been eating food that will leave me feeling nourished after and have energy to get through the rest of my day in a good and happy head space, fall asleep and stay asleep and actually feel free

some days it is more and some days it is less

there is just no need to panic either way

and unfortunately no one can tell me what my body actually needs more than the source itself

although this may seem like common sense to some. for someone who has been in a complicated relationship with food, control, tracking and everything in between

this feels massive

unlearning all of the rules i have embedded in my brain

not to mention having the space to listen

to my body and to really decide what i feel like, without any outside opinions

not what i feel like i "should" have

but what i truly want or body is asking for

which i haven’t done in a long time.

2. movement

i have made every effort to show myself the utmost kindness since my arrival

coming here i knew meant stepping out of what was comfortable and predictable which is my normal routine which is scary

and then finding new ways of being healthy and active

without all the structure

for one, this has been slow walks outside. and when i say slow i mean slow

i spend most of the time looking all around me, appreciating the warmth in the air after being in canada.

you know, listening to the birds

because i do not bring my phone or earphones

i like to use my walks to be as painfully present as possible and organize thoughts

so they have become the most peaceful times of my day

meditative if you will

now, my regular routine at home, is a weekly weight lifting split in the gym

which to me has been control, progressive overload, and dread…

to now

i have been using body weight, bands, light ankle weights,

and the perfect little magical yoga studio that is a 20 minute walk from my grandparents

not to mention their small town has never had something like this

it opened a year ago

it has yoga, pilates, and circuit training

i have loved the concept of letting go. letting someone else take the wheel

i just show up and move my body

when I arrived to the first class, I took there. everyone kissed and said hello they all introduced themselves to me, as i was a new face. they asked where i was from

they all chatted before class began with no rush to get started

there were smiles, joking and teasing during class

and after class, there was socializing having coffee getting to know each other

this is unlike anything I have experienced at home

i enjoyed it to no end

now if you had told me this 2 weeks ago this would have sounded like a nightmare. to not be able to go into my workout with head phones in, head down and avoid contact at all costs. get in and get out

maybe i am not as antisocial as i thought

i think i have conditioned myself to believe i am

like that is normal. to not want to talk to anyone. but of course. that’s what everyone does

working out here was a social gathering that was light and fun and barely felt like strain at all

and the the working out was just a shared activity

what a lovely way to move your body

with attending classes like this

for me, there is no desired end goal or specific physique i need to achieve. rather it’s a place to find community and get out of the house

and that to me bring the real wellness and health back into excerise for me

because it is important to me to move my body and be healthy

but man does it feel good to not suffocate myself in my own control and 100 “shoulds”.

i got too used to what i should eat before and after. having a body that is so sore and stiff after

don’t get me wrong i love weight lifting. i think it is incredible for you and can transform your body like no other.

however for me it had become too rigid and started to feel like a spreadsheet

and i dont want my physique to be my main area of focus right now

whatever body i land in is the one i am supposed to be in

since paying close attention to how i feel when moving

much slower and more intentionally

this has connected me back to my body in a way i was longing for and didn’t even realize

rather than going into the gym blacking out and getting out

i don’t leave depleted of all my spark, but rather lit and with more energy

this is not to say i will never be back in the gym with weights again

but it’s important to be fluid with life and listen to what is needed at specific times of life and learn to flow with the dance rather than resist.

it has only been one week.

life is a crazy thing

ave