life as a constant spiral - inward

oh, what a summer it has been

a summer of constantly shedding my layers like an onion

sometimes it feels like all i am ever doing is spiralling

and just when i think i do not even have another layer to shed,

i begin to get comfortable in my new skin

the peeling begins again

and the spiral continues

it has felt like a teleport forward. like the decisions i have been making are portals of letting go

like the universe is teleporting me forward, giving me no choice but to give up everything that cannot walk through the next door with me

but going through these periods that felt like tornados of confusion and doubt, but there is always relief after

deep clarity and understanding

a lightness

and maybe with shedding all of these layers, it is grief that follows

grieving the person i used to be as i let go of all these parts of myself that were so woven into my identity. all of the things that used to make up my mind, my days, my every decision

being released

maybe i am grieving the relationship i used to have with food

and my body

all of the great importance i placed on my body and how much time and effort it took to constantly be trying to shrink myself

this was a big part of my identity

and now i am left with all of this freedom

when choosing what to eat, what to wear, how to move my body

which really is to see the world through new eyes

to wake up and ask myself what do i feel like today?

what do i need today?

and i just let life flow from there

i fluctuated 5 to 10 pounds all of the time

this has stayed the same yet there is no drama around it

getting to know what i actually like to eat again

to eat 2 giant pieces of cake on my birthday

to eat hotdogs with my friends on summer days

to know pleasure, without having to earn it

my worth officially

no longer is determined by the shape of my body

which was a result of constantly choosing the way i feel rather than the way my body will make other people feel

and let me tell you,

one must let go of mannyyyyyy rules, habits and beliefs to get here

and once it was understood

the biggest priority has become feeling safe in my own mind and body

it is after all, my home

the vehicle in which i experience life through

i have been set free

its then grieving all of the people, places and experiences that used to be enough

and even if my performances to please worked,

then it would lead to a lifetime of maintaining them

at the time, of course, they didn't feel like performances

it was all i knew

who i knew myself to be

because i never let myself figure out who i was first

before shapeshifting into what people needed me to be for their comfort

its letting go of all of the masks and costumes i got so used to wearing

and seeing what is underneath

when you notice your life constantly feeling like resistance, i think its a telltale sign

i should not be constantly wondering if i am doing enough or saying the right things or being the right version of myself

so as i start to pay attention to the way i feel around people

is when i started notice how much i shrink myself

how many things i don't say and how carefully i choose the things i do

how my body tenses, how i become mute

how i don't mention the things that light my soul on fire

but for how long can we shrink and shove ourselves into boxes to make ourselves digestible for the people around us?

some will do it for a lifetime, i suppose

but then started to notice myself vibrating at their frequencies

instead of my own

because we are products of the people we spend the most time with.products of our environments

and slowly, without even realizing it, you can move further and further away from your own frequency

and when i am living so far outside of myself, doing things that do not feel true to me,

how can i possibly meet the people my true self would attract?

so having to create enough space for

your own energy, essence, aura

all that makes yourself recognizable, for what is meant for you

to then welcome in the experiences that i actually want

rather than filling space with all that i have outgrown

i can feel this shift in every part of my life

even walks feel different these days

which were once were riddled with discipline and the sole purpose to achieve a step count

i built this habit of holding my breath and tensing my body, always feeling this urgency to get everything done

rushing

and now i catch myself and wonder

am i really in a rush?

or is the world around me making me feel like i have to rush?

the constant pressure of being in a hurry really isn't mine

so i have to continuously notice all of these moments when i am subconsciously rushing through life

and remind myself that this isn't mine

sometimes even now, when i am on my walks, i notice the urgency

i am clenching my body

holding my breath

and i have to continuously let go

take a deep breath

and keep doing so for the remaining duration of my walk

inhale, and exhale

inhale, and exhale

we're safe

we can breathe deeply now

and you don't of course wake up one day and everything has blossomed

but its constantly going back and remembering what isn't you

or yours, anymore

and all of the tests that will arise, asking if you are truly ready to let go

and each time choosing to not go back just because it is what is familiar

you cannot receive with full hands

so having great faith in the unknown

i don't necessarily know who or what i want to be

but i absolutely know what i do not want

i may not know what the universe will bring in next

but i do know it'll fit me far better than what i have let go of

so now, i am left with all of this space

whenever we are told to manifest, they say to know exactly what you want, and ask for it,

put it out into the universe

some people do know,

what job, place, people

however, i do not know exactly what i want

never have

i want to be everything

i can never pick an aesthetic to save my life

i get easily overwhelmed with all of the books i want to read, places i want to go, things i want to study, classes i want to take

so much i want to experience, so much to feel

so even with having not a clue what i want, it seem like knowing what is not true to me is enough

the more i can align with what is true to me, and let everything else fall away

and doing this can only lead me down the right path

its like the world has to shake you, constantly until you get it

until it makes you move

from places, people, experiences, you have outgrown

because you will never find peace where you weren't meant to settle

and has that ever become clear!

so now, instead of asking myself exactly what my life should look like, i can ask

how does my life feel?

how do the people in my life make me feel?

how do i want to feel?

what do i love?

what type of experiences do i want to have?

what feels like me?

and when it comes to creating

i have noticed myself holding back from creating and posting

dimming my full creative expression

i will wonder if i will come across as weird or cringe

if it will get likes, if people will get it

sometimes it feels like when i create and post, i have to be proving myself

i have to talk in a way people can be comfortable with

talk about things all people can understand

make myself digestible again

but again, how will i ever meet my people this way?

how will i ever attract the things i want to bring into my life if i am hiding the parts of me that would call them in?

and then i have to ask myself:

who am i creating for?

because when it becomes for superficial purposes, it loses its purpose to me and the creative juices dry up

it can no longer be about the desire to be understood by people who will never understand.

another performance, another mask, another layer to shed

so i suppose it all comes down to releasing everything that was never yours

anything that feels like resistance

all of the rushing and shrinking and preforming

and rediscovering what feels true to you

and make decisions from there

and then letting the universe bring you what was always meant for you

"you already know what to do. you are just negotiating it with comfort."

<3

there is no outcome.

just internal unfolding.

love always

ave