my greatest love story

when we feel things so deeply, we get to love so intensely

so entirely

but with this, we gamble with the ability to break so greatly as well

sometimes i love my soul for its wide capacity to feel, and other times i find it incredibly difficult to manage

i think this is why i often struggle to open up and let people in

i prefer to keep people nice and surface level, where i can control them and how much they see of me.

prevent them from going too deep

because there, they would truly see me

and the entire ocean that lives within me

when i am asked how i am, i'll usually give the response they want to hear

i'm great! thanks! how are you??

because maybe they don't want to hear that i had a life-altering realization during my yoga class this morning and suddenly life seems so open and beautiful again that i could cry. i feel inspired. i want to change everything

or maybe they don't want to hear that i've had raging insomnia for the past four nights because something has broken my heart and it is all so consuming that no melatonin or sleep aid can numb my thoughts long enough for me to fall asleep.

so, surface level is easier

however, when we do fall in love, romantically or in friendship

we do make the decision to let someone see us

we want them to understand us, of course.

so we show and tell them about the messy parts of yourself even when it is wildly uncomfortable, even when you feel like you are being too much

and they choose to love you despite all

and sometimes they begin to fill the holes within us that we haven't quite figured out how to fill ourselves

they love the things we haven't quite figured out how to love

and i believe this is where it gets dangerous

because when someone else is filling the empty parts of you, you begin to rely on them to keep you whole

maybe you start putting up with things you don't deserve

stay longer than you should

maybe you care long after something has given you every reason not to

but because they love you!

despite how they treat you,

at least they know you

and the thought of losing them becomes terrifying because it feels like losing them would mean losing all of the pieces of yourself they were holding together

all of the holes they filled would open back up

and then, we would return to empty

we accept the love we think we deserve.

the comfort of staying can seem far easier than the discomfort of change.

of growth

so we will often choose a familiar hell over an unfamiliar heaven

because on our own, we have to face ourselves

i think this is why betrayal hurts so badly

they were supposed to be the ones who understood us, who actually knew us

so the urge to dissect why arises

but it isn't our responsibility to understand the reasoning behind someone else's betrayal

it is our responsibility to walk away when we are no longer being loved correctly.

to become full enough on our own to know when enough is enough.

to find comfort in knowing how deep our own love can spread

because who we choose to love is, in someways, a reflection of how we see ourselves.

i read once

"who you choose to be your partner says a lot about how you feel about yourself. do you take that as a compliment or an insult?"

i think about that a lot

everyone, forever, will have a different perception of us

my mother.each of my friends. any lovers.

to some, you will be the villain.

to some, a fond childhood memory.

to others, maybe the one that got away

but only you will ever know all of you

only you know every side. every version. every conversation

you know all of the songs that deeply move you. the ones that somehow transcend you into another universe. the ones that make you ache with nostalgia. you know exactly who and what each one reminds you of.

you know every bedroom you've ever lived in.

every journal entry.

your traumas, your joys, all of the things you have wanted to be

you know your bad habits. your rejections. the things you haven't quite recovered from

no one else will ever be able to know every version of you

then i realized that the love that we are ever so desperately seeking, has always been our own

but once you realize this, you begin to give it to yourself

so now i fill my own holes, learn understand and see myself

i suppose the greatest love story i will ever have is with myself

and this

is when we become free

love always

ave